Wicked_D’s Comedy Corner

Wicked_D “The Boss”: He is a handful, this character is a high status, CEO, powerful, lovable, goofball, who gets shit done when the calling comes along. He usually likes to be in charge, but what makes this character lovable is that he only uses his “powers” when necessary. He is highly aware and intelligent. He loves to smoke weed and drink a few beers casually with friends and family. His temper is cool, fun, and collective and isn’t afraid to stand up for injustices or bad rhetoric. He is a perfectionist and expects everyone to be like him… only problem is that everyone is unique and different in their own different ways, which leads to a lot of fun and humorous interactions. All the while Wicked is fighting his temper and politeness internally because he is the boss after all and needs to set the example, but still needs to get his message across. His signature move when he’s pissed off or when someone fucks up is… he’ll walk into a room and knock a drink, a cigarette, and even food out someones hand like a pissed off Tony Soprano. He is a roller coaster of emotions.

Mini Adventures:

Not The Lamborghini

The guys called Jorge to tell him that they’re downtown and that they crashed his Lamborghini.

“Jumanjo!” Said Wicked_D as he answered the phone.

“Hey man…theres no real way to say this” said Jumanjo.

“What happened? Wicked_D said with his tone of voice sounding clearly upset knowing something was up.

“We crashed the car downtown” Said Jumanjo.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Said Jorge as he face palmed his head and hung up his phone in anger.

Wicked_D was at the beach and was now pissed off. The universe could tell when he was pissed off because everyone would avoid eye contact and basically get out of his way. Downtown wasn’t far, so Wicked_D packed up his bags and beach chair and was off on foot to downtown to try and find his crashed car. An adventure awaits our hero.

“What do you think he’s going to do?” asked Phonics.

“hmmm…Probably just say…It’s okay I’m rich!” Said Jumanjo as they both laughed.

In the scorching heat of downtown came a loud vibration in the sky. It was no other than anger energy waves meaning Wicked_D was close by. The accident had a big circle of people of roughly 300 people chit chatting and drinking amongst each other. Someone people even brought out grills and others started playing bags and beer pong. It was a full on party around the crashed Lamborghini. The fun however was near its end as wicked_D spotted the sea of people and knew it could only be one thing. He took a deep breath said a prayer and headed into the party prepared to go to battle literary speaking. The struggle to get through the crowd was intense as the sun beamed down on Jorge.

“Yo, you’d see that pimped out Lamborghini-? asked local Larry.

Local Larry was a few Trulys deep and two hotdogs in and about to drink out his cup of beer after finishing his sentence. Wicked_D didn’t say a thing and smacked Local Larry’s beer out of his hand, classic Wicked _D Style.

Local Larry was like…”Okay! Funs over.”

The Snowstorm

The year is 2001 and two young adults named Eddy and Charles enter a restaurant for happy hour after getting off work in downtown New York. They are both 22 years old and have just finished college and became close friends due to this being their first big boy job. The two have just ordered a round of beer and are happy to be off work.

            “Hey man what’s up with Steven from finance always giving Stephanie that creepy old man look?” Said Eddy with a sarcastic smile.

            “I don’t know man, but she is super el fuego, so I don’t blame him.” Said Charles grinning as their server dropped off their two beers.

            “Your Spanish is white as fuck, but I’ll cheers to that brotha” Said Eddy still smiling as the two clinked their beers together in agreement.

            “Fuck man the real world isn’t what it’s like in the movies huh?.. works blows” said Charles burping midway through his sentence.

            “Yeahhhhh…. BUT ON THE 12TH DAY OF WORK THE LORD SAID LET THERE BE HAPPY HOUR!!!” Eddy said loudly where everyone at the bar they were at heard them.

“CAN I GET AN AMEN BROTHERS AND SISTERS?!?!” Yelled Eddy.

“AMEN” the entire bar said in unison and a few “fuck yeah’s” were heard amongst the chatter of the bar.

Eddy and Charles locked eyes and without saying a word chugged their beers.

The bar tender turned up the volume of the TV as a big snow storm was expected to hit the city in a couple hours. Eddy and Charles looked up at the screen to pay attention to the weather man.

“Ladies and gentlemen do not leave the location you’re currently at because this storm has the potential to burry you within seconds. Please make sure all your pets, children, grandmas, grandpas, spouses, and chinchillas stay inside cause you will die and they will die. And as always remember do drugs and give tons of hugs. I’m your weather man Rock Foster.”

“Rock Foster is such a stud, he never lets us down. Unlike the other weatherman.” Said Charles

“And that hair and mustache is epic, I think it gives him weather power or something.” Said Eddy.

As Eddy and Charles finish looking up at the T.V their young blonde server wearing a name tag reading “Katie” came to drop off their beers.

“Fuck man what if my future GF who I haven’t met yet gets stuck in the snowstorm. What about our children?!?” Said Eddy to Charles as the young blonde server was trying really hard to laugh at their sense of humor until she finally let out a big smile filled with laughter as she walked away after dropping off the beers.

“Oh my god that was the cutest laugh I have ever heard.” Said Eddy to Charles.

“You have a thing for servers don’t you Eddy? and they always seem to fall for you too I don’t know how y– HOLY SHIT! Its Steven from Finance” Said Charles to Eddy in excitement.

“Should we?” Said Eddy.

“No, we shouldn’t” Said Charles.

“C’mon loosen up” Said Eddy.

The two grabbed their beers and sat at Steven’s table.

            “Steven! What’s up man?!  good seeing you out of your cubicle” Said Eddy to Steven.

            “Hey, you young whipper snappers getting in as many beers before the storm?” Said Steven to the two young friends.

            “You’re absolutely right and plus working in the office all day gets you all thirsty, speaking of thirsty, How about Stephanie?” said Eddy with a smirk to Steven as his eyes widened.

“Is she here?!” Steven said combing over what little hair he had left on his head.

“Easy there Steven. she’s not here” Said Eddy.

“But I know how you can see her and considering how severe this storm is… it might be the last chance you get.” Said Eddy reaching into his suitcase.”

            “Tell me how?!?” Said Steven frantically.

            “With this!” Eddy pulled out a three piece bong the size of a living room lamp when put together and engraved on the side of the bong was Bong-anator 3000.”

            “Holy Shit!” Steven said as the ten hairs on his head stood up and eyes popped out of his head.”

            “We can’t smoke that! It’s illegal, the cops will come and we’ll get in big trouble and we’ll lose our jobs and—”  Steven said panicking.

            “Easy Steven.. did you not hear what Rock Foster said?  Listening to him is like a universal rule and plus he’s never wrong. Watch this.” Said Charles as he pulled out a strain of weed called Crouching Tiger Hidden Alien filled the bong with beer and packed the bowl and took a monster size hit leading him to a cough attack.

“See Steven nothing to worry about everyone at the bar knows the universal rule, if Rock Foster says we might die and to do drugs and give hugs then we have to cause he’s on TV so that makes him always right.” Said Eddy to Steven as he patted Charles on his back seeing as he was still coughing from the bong hit.

“I see..” Said Steven.

“And you’re sure this will help me see Stephanie?” Said Steven skeptically eyeballing Eddy as he was wiping away his tears from coughing too hard.

“Oh yeah” Said Charles not even knowing what he said yes to.

“Well alright then but don’t tell anyone I’m doing this, I value my reputation at work” Said Steven.

Eddy and Charles look at each other both thinking that his reputation at work is of a creepy old man.

“We promise we won’t tell anyone at work about this.” They both said in unison.

Steven hit the bong-anator 3000 and indulged in his own cough attack as Eddy and Charles both stare at him with excitement. After a few minutes of coughing and wiping his tears out of his eyes a very stoned Steven looks up to see the young server approaching their table.

“Stephanie?!” Said Steven in a melancholy tone, squinting his eyes, and reaching out for a hug.

Eddy and Charles both look at each other and High-five each other.

“Crouching Tiger Hidden Alien!” Said Charles and Eddy in Unison, which is the name of the weed strain.

The Principles Office

Javier sat outside the principal’s office waiting for her to call him in. His legs were fidgeting, palms sweaty, and the sweat underneath his grey T-shirt that read Chick Magnet was starting to penetrate through his armpits. His hair however stayed perfectly slicked back, not a single hair strand out of place. Just like always. He worried why he was being called to her office unexpectedly two days before high school graduation. What the fuck did I do this time? He thought to himself. I bet Sabrina told Mrs. Powers I was a part of the senior prank in order to get back at me for hooking up with her best friend. She wouldn’t though…would she?  I mean we weren’t officially dating. Whatever it is I can’t get in trouble now. It’ll cost me my football scholarship to Ohio State. DAMNIT WHY NOW!…Alright man chill out you’re overreacting I’m sure it’s just Mrs. Powers wanting an autograph or something before I become a famous pro athlete.

As time passed Javier started brainstorming about all the trouble he and the boys had done throughout the school year. A lot of memories of raging keggers in his basement, smoke sessions with gas masks in his garage, and raves where dreams became a reality and shit got really weird started replaying in his mind.

“29,30,31,32,33,34,35 YO J-Money broke the record!”

Yelled someone in the sea of people at the homecoming after party. The entire basement erupted in cheers as two football players put Javier down from the Keg stand. He was repeatedly burping and still wiping beer from his mouth as the excitement and cheers turned into a mini mosh pit that lasted about 15 seconds due to the new basement record. Good times. He said to himself as a big smileswept across his face remembering that moment. I mean everyone, and their moms came to my parties anyways, so I know no one would tell on me because I’d tell on them right back. Javier sat outside Mrs. Powers office hunched over still thinking on why he was summoned to her office during the middle of the school day.

“39,40,41,42,43,44,45! YO J-Money just broke the new record!”

Yelled Greg who was a junior, co-captain of the football team and one of Javier’s best friends. The 20 other football players in the garage started hollering in excitement as Javier was in a cough attack from holding in a gravity bong rip. All the players started cheering and shoving, which then turned into a mini mosh pit that lasted about 12 second due to the excitement of a new basement record. Good times. Javier told himself as a bigger smile swept across his face. I mean I only smoke weed with the boys and everyone knows Bro Code rule number 1. Thou shall not tell on a fellow bro, especially the football captain. So that’s not the reason.

Javier quickly sat up as his attention was taken by the sound of two girls walking down the hallway talking about what color dress they were going to wear underneath their gown for graduation.

            “Hey ladies,” Javier said with a smirk on his face while simultaneously raising his eyebrows.

            “Hey J-money! We can’t wait for your after-party Friday.”

            “Pshh yeah its whatever,” said Javier in a cool low tone voice while slicking his hair back with one hand.

“Eww is that sweat on your armpit?!”

Javier red faced from embarrassment quickly put his hand down as the two girls giggled and kept walking down the hallway. Way to go hotshot you blew it with those two. This lead to him to remembering sweet talking all the hot girls at school, one in particular Mackenzie. Just the sound of her name brought a big wide smile that stretched from ear to ear. She didn’t know it yet, but in his head, he planned out the proposal, the wedding, and the big blue house he planned on buying to raise all the kids they were going to have. As he was in lovers’ paradise galore daydreaming about Mackenzie in her wedding dress the principals’ door opened slowly to the rhythm of the creaky sound the hinges made. Mrs. Powers stepped out with her flashy, but yet somehow professional red bottoms, a long black skirt and nicely fitted white button up that complimented her hair and glasses.

“You can come in Javier” Mrs. Powers said in a nice calm voice.

Javier got up almost robotic like not moving his arms as he walked in to her office to avoid Mrs. Powers noticing his armpit sweat. He sat down in a black chair in front of her nice oak finished desk and fancy calendar that read Wednesday the 23rd. His legs were still fidgeting as he eagerly watched her every movement from the moment she opened the door till she sat down in her comfy hydraulic rolling chair.

“Now Javier… or J-Money as everyone in Cascada Falls likes to call you. I know we haven’t seen eye to eye these past four years, but there’s something very important I need to ask you and depending on your answer will also depend if you graduate or not.

She paused for a few seconds and silence filled the room as Javier’s heart was about to explode out from his chest he squeezed his thighs with anticipation making his fidgeting go away. Mrs. Powers took off her glasses and looked at him with a serious straight face.

“Let’s cut the crap. The senior prank YOUR little posse decided to do with the wild chickens was published in the towns newspaper. Then a couple of days after that there was a video of the prank, which then went viral as you may know and amongst the millions of views were members of the board of education who want the people who were involved to receive criminal charges which will require an investigation.” She sighed knowing the severity of the situation.

“Look you’re the only person from this school to ever be given a football scholarship to Ohio State. Our schools funding and reputation went up drastically because of this. We also know what it would do to our school and to yourself if you said you did the senior prank. We only need one name. With that being said Javier. Who orchestrated the senior prank?

Javier sat there in silence taking it all in looking down and all that came to his mind at that moment was the universal bro code rule book and his football scholarship. Fuck what am I going to do. Should I tell on who orchestrated the prank even though I took a part of it. Fuck man I have no choice. Javier looked up after debating with himself for a few minutes.

“Can I remain anonymous?” Javier asked.

“Yes.” Said Mrs. Powers with a smirk knowing Javier was about to tell on someone and for the first time in the four years of knowing him, she was finally going to get the satisfaction of triumph at least once over Javier before he graduated.

“Your Mom”

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